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Sunday, August 09, 2009
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Making plans for Nigel... er, um... the wedding
I like that song so much I think that is the second time I've used it within a blog title.
I now feel safe telling the blog world that I am, in fact, leaving my job as a social worker at that one non profit agency. The reasons are vast and numerous but basically come down to one important nubbin- I haven't been very happy. I love working with people, but for the last few months I've spent a lot of time alone in my office, sitting in front of the computer and then, as I've lamented before, getting all the kinks readjusted from my chiropracter since sitting at a computer all day doesn't seem to work too well for me. This has been a very tough decision because I've loved working at that not-to-be-named agency. I've learned and grown so much and received invaluable mentorship and work experience. But I know it is time to move on.
Move on to what?, you ask. Well, my last day is August 17th, just 2 months exactly from the wedding! I didn't really plan it that way. I'm going to keep teaching yoga while I look around for another social work position out there, preferably doing direct clinical practice. We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, I will teach yoga, work on my paintings and prepare for this upcoming wedding. In a time of such transition and uncertainty, I'm finding tremendous enjoyment in considering things like What kind of flowers should be in the bouquet? and What type of basket with the flower girl carry? These are rather peaceful questions with simple answers, much easier to ponder than What the heck am I doin?! This might also explain the frequent postings about my cats or other mundane topics, as I am considering this blog as a way to vent or just avoid stress.
Really, that I'm finding solace in wedding planning is a true testament to how we can move on from painful experiences. I'm thrilled and excited to marry Q and can hardly wait for our fun wedding weekend so that we can spend so much time with our closest loved ones. So instead of making a monthly budget or counting my hours towards my social worker license, let's consider the types of amazing flowers that can go into a bouquet for an October wedding. There are going to be a lot of aqua and dark blue accents in the wedding, so I'm afraid those lovely warm orange-ish fall bouquets won't work very well.I really love peonies. They look so fluffy and soft. However, they aren't easy to obtain in the fall so no peony bouquet for me. That is probably best for me, because they do resemble some kind of lovely pastry and I might end up eating them.
But, one of my favorite flowers will be available this summer and that is the hydrangea. I love these flowers and all their color variations. I would like to have a bouquet of white hydrangeas with an aqua ribbon. My mom suggested that then the bridesmaids can have blue hydrangeas and perhaps out little flower girl can have some pink ones too. So pretty!
What do you think? What kinds of flowers do you think are particularly beautiful in a wedding? And what other types of little wedding details would you like to me share with you on this here blog? (By the way, I do plan to post pictures of my DIY invites, which have now been sent out to nearly everyone and hopefully received by now).
Friday, July 31, 2009
Cats in Jail
Have you ever done something that you KNOW you just HAD to do, something that in the long run was the best decision and yet you felt like a real a**hole the entire time?
This is how I have felt since Wednesday morning, when I stuffed my cats into their carriers and took them to the kitty kennel.
The cats know what those carriers mean and with their uncanny ability to put two and two togetha, they run and hide when those carriers come out. Carriers indicate a trip in the car. Perhaps moving to a new place, going to get shots or maybe even going for a cross country trip, during which cat will get locked in the car in Wall, South Dakota. Well, I had to catch the cats and then rudely stuff them into their carriers. This was all just mere moments after discovering Bob cowering near the basement stairs, after he'd leaped off the balcony the night before.
The car ride was really fun and by really fun, I mean it in a sarcastic way because it sucked. Cuphead can only manage a little squeak of a meow and was pretty friendly in the car, nuzzling against the carrier door when I called her name. Bob, on the other hand, went totally manic, meowing and howling until I turned the radio up so loud I couldn't really hear him. Bob was thinking about all of those annoying signs all the way to Wall, Drug and how he JUST DOESN'T WANNA GO THERE! Screw you, Wall Drug! was what Bobby was saying, even though it sounded like "MOWWWWW MOWWWW RAWRRRRRRARRRRRRRRRR!!!!"
The kitty kennel is right by work and they only house cats in there- no barking dogs! Each cat gets a spacious cage with food, clean litter and the entertainment of the ridiculous kittens who run around that place as well as the ancient cats who do nothing but sleep on the counter. I saw one of those kittens begging to be harrassed by the vacuum cleaner hose. That seems so strange to me, like cats who like to bathe. What in the world? I felt bad leaving the cats there, but we're in the middle of moving and the chance that they'll run off is high, plus it was MISERABLY hot this week, especially in our old apartment. If you read that Seattle broke a temperature record this week, it was actually that nasty little apartment with no air circulation that hit the highest temp. For reals.
The kitty kennel owners are nice and always seem eager for some human interaction, but then all we do is talk about cats. They say it is hard to get work done with the kittens being so cute. "Don't you want to take a kitten home?" one of them asked me as a tiny gray striped cat rolled around on my foot. I felt a pang in my heart and then imagined what Q would say. "Noooo." I replied reluctantly, remembering all the times I tried to sneak new cats into our family home as a kid. One time I made up some story about how the neighbors gave me the cat before they moved, but the reality is that they moved away and abandoned him. Good thing for the cat that an adoring kid across the street was all to eager to LIE on his behalf.
So I've been going to visit the cats since I dropped them off in this place. Both the cats recognize my voice when I come in. Cuphead rubs her head against the cage, squeaking her little meow and Bob emerges from his hiding place in the corner. Those two have suprised me as the kennel folks informed me that all Bob does is hide while Cup begs for attention. Also, one of the owners mixed up Cup's name and called her "Overpass". I open up their cages and pet them, I walk Bob over to Cup's space so they can say hi and feel sad when I leave. I assure them that I'll be back soon to take them to our new awesome home, but when I say such things all they hear is BLAH BLAH BLABBITY BLAH.
Well the cats are safe and I know it is for the best. Still, Cuphead looks startled and lonely while Bob appears quite strung out. At least it isn't another trip to Wall Drug, though, right?
This is how I have felt since Wednesday morning, when I stuffed my cats into their carriers and took them to the kitty kennel.
The cats know what those carriers mean and with their uncanny ability to put two and two togetha, they run and hide when those carriers come out. Carriers indicate a trip in the car. Perhaps moving to a new place, going to get shots or maybe even going for a cross country trip, during which cat will get locked in the car in Wall, South Dakota. Well, I had to catch the cats and then rudely stuff them into their carriers. This was all just mere moments after discovering Bob cowering near the basement stairs, after he'd leaped off the balcony the night before.
The car ride was really fun and by really fun, I mean it in a sarcastic way because it sucked. Cuphead can only manage a little squeak of a meow and was pretty friendly in the car, nuzzling against the carrier door when I called her name. Bob, on the other hand, went totally manic, meowing and howling until I turned the radio up so loud I couldn't really hear him. Bob was thinking about all of those annoying signs all the way to Wall, Drug and how he JUST DOESN'T WANNA GO THERE! Screw you, Wall Drug! was what Bobby was saying, even though it sounded like "MOWWWWW MOWWWW RAWRRRRRRARRRRRRRRRR!!!!"
The kitty kennel is right by work and they only house cats in there- no barking dogs! Each cat gets a spacious cage with food, clean litter and the entertainment of the ridiculous kittens who run around that place as well as the ancient cats who do nothing but sleep on the counter. I saw one of those kittens begging to be harrassed by the vacuum cleaner hose. That seems so strange to me, like cats who like to bathe. What in the world? I felt bad leaving the cats there, but we're in the middle of moving and the chance that they'll run off is high, plus it was MISERABLY hot this week, especially in our old apartment. If you read that Seattle broke a temperature record this week, it was actually that nasty little apartment with no air circulation that hit the highest temp. For reals.
The kitty kennel owners are nice and always seem eager for some human interaction, but then all we do is talk about cats. They say it is hard to get work done with the kittens being so cute. "Don't you want to take a kitten home?" one of them asked me as a tiny gray striped cat rolled around on my foot. I felt a pang in my heart and then imagined what Q would say. "Noooo." I replied reluctantly, remembering all the times I tried to sneak new cats into our family home as a kid. One time I made up some story about how the neighbors gave me the cat before they moved, but the reality is that they moved away and abandoned him. Good thing for the cat that an adoring kid across the street was all to eager to LIE on his behalf.
So I've been going to visit the cats since I dropped them off in this place. Both the cats recognize my voice when I come in. Cuphead rubs her head against the cage, squeaking her little meow and Bob emerges from his hiding place in the corner. Those two have suprised me as the kennel folks informed me that all Bob does is hide while Cup begs for attention. Also, one of the owners mixed up Cup's name and called her "Overpass". I open up their cages and pet them, I walk Bob over to Cup's space so they can say hi and feel sad when I leave. I assure them that I'll be back soon to take them to our new awesome home, but when I say such things all they hear is BLAH BLAH BLABBITY BLAH.
Well the cats are safe and I know it is for the best. Still, Cuphead looks startled and lonely while Bob appears quite strung out. At least it isn't another trip to Wall Drug, though, right?
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Shadowfax
Once I figure out what I'm doing with my life, I will have my new website done. See, we tried to hire this graphic designer to make some logos for me, for business cards and the website and never heard a peep back. That's what you get for reaching out within the Surfing Dude world, I guess. Well not really, another more reliable surfing dude will probably do this. I'm also still conceptualizing things a bit more, while also moving, job searching and wedding planning. It is kind of a lot all at once and in the meantime, my cats are being boarded so I spent entirely too much energy feeling lost and confused and thinking my flip flops sitting in a corner are actually Cuphead (they're not).
So rather than boring you with details of how I'm going to unravel the current jumble that is My Life, I would instead like to turn my attention to My Car.
My car is a 1994 Honda Civic, a little white 2 door with fancy features like automatic windows and a moonroof (the electronics on those features stopped working years ago). I bought Shadowfax in 2004 from a place in Boise called Fairly Reliable Bob's (for real, and I actually really like that place). The car felt really fancy and clean to me, zipping along and all fancy with its Cupholders (love those things, but yeah now those are broken too. Yes they can break). I had been driving the O'Laughlin Family's old red Jeep Cherokee which had a lot of problems and terrible gas mileage, and some bewildering mechanical defect which caused its engine to quiver at random times (my dad called this "The Quirkiness" which I still think should be the title of a horror film). I didn't like that car, and felt somewhat traumatized by city driving after my 2 year stint in rural Africa, so I affectionately named the Jeep 'Sauron' because of its evil red color. So, once I traded in Sauron for the clean white civic, I named the new car Shadowfax, after Gandalf's nice white horse.
See the resemblance?
Shadowfax and I have done a lot together. We drove all the way to Alabama and then two years later, we drove all the way back to the Northwest. And let's not forget all the time that we spent driving around on those terrifying southern freeways, where everyone drives trucks so large that you can't even SEE Shadowfax. I'd honk the horn to alert people to my presence right before they crashed into my life, but the car's beep is more of a MEEP, kind of a Muppet sound if you will, not startling at all as car horns probably should be right before some Chevy truck crushes you.
Shadowfax and I then learned how to get around Seattle, one of the most confusing cities to drive in. We've done pretty well with that, regularly pulling over to study the city map and figuring "well, we'll get there eventually". Shadowfax and I learned to navigate the parking space in the basement of the first apartment I lived in here, where there was barely space to pull in and one time we scraped the side of the large cement post and scratched the side of the car. I was scared for Shadowfax when I learned the junkie across the hall jumped off the balcony over the parking garage, scared he landed on the little civic, but he landed right on the pavement and broke his legs. That is a story in itself.
Shadowfax has had his clutch replaced, as well as many other more minor operations. We've taken cats to the vet, moved items around from one apartment to the next and driven countless times to visit the parents in North Idaho. Shadowfax's air conditioning gave up 2 years ago and I just haven't felt like paying the money to fix it. So, lately we've been driving around very sweaty and alarmed, except on days like today when I let the civic rest in the shade and take Q's pristine Xterra to work.
I went away to Boise for Thanksgiving last fall and returned to a gutted and still Shadowfax. Someone had broken into the car, stealing the stereo and as I learned later, also taking the car computer. I didn't know cars HAD a computer, but quickly learned it is quite an important part as it helps all the parts of the car work together, it is kind of like the car's brain. The Honda dealer told me it'd cost close to 1,000 bucks to replace, so I quickly went on Craigslist to find such a part. I found a guy with some crashed Civic in his front yard in one of the northern Seattle 'burbs, and Q insisted on picking up the part lest I be creeped out or ripped off in the process of getting a new Car Computer (it is true, I really have no idea what that looks like). I paid 50 bucks for the nice mechanics to replace it, they told me I was smart and lucky and Shadowfax and I have been putzing along ever since.
Seattle is a big city where violent crime occurs, but not nearly as often as some other big cities. What does happen a lot here is car theft and break-ins. I've heard numerous times that the most frequently broken-into car is the Honda Civic or the Toyota Camry, since they are all over and easy to break into. Some people, like the tools who took Shadowfax's brain, like to steal parts of make racing cars like they are in some stupid action movie starring Vin Diesel.
Well shortly before my trip to Boise this last week, I ran out to my car to make sure the face was off the nice replacement stereo Q gave me for my birthday (because I hate driving without my radio!). I found my car broken into, trunk open and everything. But nothing was gone, not even the stereo. All the person did was make a big mess, throwing around all the mechanic's receipts in the glove compartment, the bag of yoga clothes in the backsteat and the Random Crap in the trunk (out of sight, out of mind!). The car still started and has been running fine. We figured some of the weird, twitchy explosively cussing men who've been seen wandering the streets of Wallingford lately broke in looking for money and then quickly moved on. Again, Shadowfax is easy to break into.
So while I love this car, it may be time to move on and I'm starting to think of possible getting a new (well, new-to-me) car or, if I just end up teaching yoga all over the Seattle area, just riding my bike around. It would be nice to have somethign with an alarm, windows that roll down, and maybe, maybe! even a working A/C. But that may be hoping for too much!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Like a heat wave
I'm sure the whining of Seattlites has reached the shores of Jersey at this point. It is so hot here and we're all in severe states of distress. I seem to have some kind of water obsession and no matter how much I drink, I remain parched. The cats have taken to sitting on the kitchen floor in the dark with their bellies stretched out. Q is doing similar things. I sleep with the fan blaring in my face while kicking the covers off of me. I have no air conditioning in my car, my home or my office. I am considering spending the evening in Barnes and Noble as suggested by the receptionist at the doctor's office.
*******
I returned from my trip to Idaho on Monday. I was there for nearly one week. It was a fun time, also very hot there. In fact, going into my doctor's check-up today, the doc noted a slight sun burn on my back and scolded me, as she sees me so they can decide which abnormal patch of skin they are going to cut out. We camped in Idaho and went to the Sawtooth Music Festival, which was beautiful and fun (highlight for me was seeing the band Thao and the Getdown Staydown and the girl walking backwards in her flipflops because she was, um, not really sober- funny!). I spent the day in the sun drinking lawnmower beer, walking around and chatting with people, finally sleeping during the last set, all comfortably curled up with the 2 beagles in the VW van. Very nice. Howrrrr.
*********
I must share that we are in the midst of yet another move. Yes, by Sunday we should be all moved in to our new wonderful and BIG apartment. Yes! The cats have been very distraught over the moving of furniture and boxes, and the heat doesn't help matters much.
This morning I woke up and couldn't find Bob anywhere. I called Q at work in a grumpy panic, realizing that Bob jumped off the balcony (we tend to leave the door slightly open for them so they can chill on the porch, but they've never left like that!). Cuphead was beside herself, meowing and following me around. I walked around the building calling "Bobby! Bobby!" and then heard a frantic "MOW! MOW! MOW!" and saw Bob, all dirty, cowering and covered in cobwebs, pulling himself up the stairs leading to the building's laundry room. I brought him inside and fed him, then prompty stuffed the two cats in their respective carriers and took them to be boarded until we are done moving. This was the plan all along, as we feared them running away from the chaos, and our fears came true. So now they are in kitty day care, where it is actually much cooler than our miserable, tiny apartment.
*******
I returned from my trip to Idaho on Monday. I was there for nearly one week. It was a fun time, also very hot there. In fact, going into my doctor's check-up today, the doc noted a slight sun burn on my back and scolded me, as she sees me so they can decide which abnormal patch of skin they are going to cut out. We camped in Idaho and went to the Sawtooth Music Festival, which was beautiful and fun (highlight for me was seeing the band Thao and the Getdown Staydown and the girl walking backwards in her flipflops because she was, um, not really sober- funny!). I spent the day in the sun drinking lawnmower beer, walking around and chatting with people, finally sleeping during the last set, all comfortably curled up with the 2 beagles in the VW van. Very nice. Howrrrr.
*********
I must share that we are in the midst of yet another move. Yes, by Sunday we should be all moved in to our new wonderful and BIG apartment. Yes! The cats have been very distraught over the moving of furniture and boxes, and the heat doesn't help matters much.
This morning I woke up and couldn't find Bob anywhere. I called Q at work in a grumpy panic, realizing that Bob jumped off the balcony (we tend to leave the door slightly open for them so they can chill on the porch, but they've never left like that!). Cuphead was beside herself, meowing and following me around. I walked around the building calling "Bobby! Bobby!" and then heard a frantic "MOW! MOW! MOW!" and saw Bob, all dirty, cowering and covered in cobwebs, pulling himself up the stairs leading to the building's laundry room. I brought him inside and fed him, then prompty stuffed the two cats in their respective carriers and took them to be boarded until we are done moving. This was the plan all along, as we feared them running away from the chaos, and our fears came true. So now they are in kitty day care, where it is actually much cooler than our miserable, tiny apartment.
Monday, July 20, 2009
My stress is bigger than your stress- sing it!
Okay maybe my stress isn't that big but today it feels big because I took my stress balloon and punched it a bit and hyperventilated into it and made it hideously large with dark trains of thought and self-doubt. Before I unload my complaints on you, poor dear, I will write this- I am so thankful for having choices. It is such an uncertain world and such uncertain times. I am extremely grateful to have choices in employment, in where I live, in what I do, in who I see and how I spend my time. My stresses have been around making those choices and sometimes I forget the delight in having those choices at all.
But let's get started here. Hmmm hmmm *clears throat* Let me put on my face here.
But let's get started here. Hmmm hmmm *clears throat* Let me put on my face here.
There we go. Okay let me get started then... I've been too busy! Busy with things I like, but still - ew! I signed on to teach WAY too many hot yoga classes and realized quickly that teaching over and over again brings me to feel like a robot, a sweaty robot Also, that hot room just irritates me sometimes, maybe because I tend towards a pitta imbalance in the summer... Then I've been working, but also job hunting, and also wedding planning, and also trying to get ready to move, see friends, hang with Q, etc. See it just goes to show that too much of anything is not necessarily a good thing, even something lovely like yoga. We all still need some time to relax and replenish ourselves.
It's like I go into manic mode in the summer.
Yesterday I taught a yoga class, on Saturday I taught three classes in a row. I also taught in Friday, Thursday, Wednesday, Monday, all last weekend BLAH BLAH BLAH. That is a lot! I finished the wedding invitations yesterday (lovely!). Then Q and I decided to go to see Harry Potter and then I felt all sad about Dumbledore and everything, even though I do know what is going to happen. Then I got home and realized I had to fill out paperwork for Monday morning, get ready for bed, get clothes out for an interview and blah blah blah. All to wake up after 5 to teach yoga at 6:30. I've woken up super early to teach yoga five days in a row now. At this point, the idea of just waking up and rolling around on the mat doing yoga by myself seems like bliss!
I'm about to go on vacation so I'm already in that mindset of "I'm so out of here. Later." My class was total suckage this morning. I mean TOTAL SUCK. If you'd been in it, you'd have thought "what is UP with this teacher? Is she crazy?!" And you'd be like "Oh she's teaching from inside a Garbage Can" and then you'd remind yourself that you do NOT want to take yoga from a junkyard muppet who needs at least 2 hours of more sleep and a day with no hot room, just a nice long walk and maybe a nice cooling swim in say, hmm, a glacial lake perhaps?
So in that yoga space I was overheated, too tired and too grumpy and the stupid stereo was all crackly so I couldn't even play music. I'd let my mind wander to the to-do lists and then look around and think "oh yeah I'm teaching right now". I was ashamed of myself at the end of the class for being frazzled and stumbling over my words. I'm not the calm and serene yoga teacher, nope. Squash, squash, ego! The worst is that I went into teaching that class without any kind of plan, which I haven't done before. Note to self- Don't Dooo that! Rahhhhh!
Going to a yoga class at a regular studio on Friday night was utter bliss. A normal yoga class! I got to be the student! I only got a little sweaty! My mat wasn't gross! We chanted and as we held poses our wonderful teacher (who is like a nice and friendly muppet) read sweet little poems. I got to practice inversions, too.
So tomorrow morning I do have to wake up really early again but then I'm off on a plane to Boise where I'll see my bro and sister in law and then we're going camping with the Beagles in the Sawtooth Mountains. Then I can relax, I hope. No more obsessing over to do lists, poring over Craigslist job listings, scowling at moving boxes or pouring sweat on the mat for hours each day. At least for a week. At least for a week.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Things Kids Say
Kid at work: Hey. Do you like butterflies?
Me: They're okay.
KAW: Whaa?! Just okay?!
Me: I like them fine. I like birds better though.
KAW: WHAA?! How dare you bash on The Butterfly!
Me: I'm not, I'm just sayin' I like birds better.
KAW: Hummingbird.
Me: No, I like the bigger birds more.
KAW: No, YOU'RE a hummingbird!
Me: Hmm (sitting and thinking of how unlike a hummingbird I really am).
KAW: I'm saying that because I don't like hummingbirds.
Me: Oh thanks! What a sweet thing to say! Wow, you just made my day! So awesome!
KAW: Pshah *brushes hair from face and stomps off*
Me: They're okay.
KAW: Whaa?! Just okay?!
Me: I like them fine. I like birds better though.
KAW: WHAA?! How dare you bash on The Butterfly!
Me: I'm not, I'm just sayin' I like birds better.
KAW: Hummingbird.
Me: No, I like the bigger birds more.
KAW: No, YOU'RE a hummingbird!
Me: Hmm (sitting and thinking of how unlike a hummingbird I really am).
KAW: I'm saying that because I don't like hummingbirds.
Me: Oh thanks! What a sweet thing to say! Wow, you just made my day! So awesome!
KAW: Pshah *brushes hair from face and stomps off*
Weight weight ...don't tell me
I have a weight problem.
But let me explain. I recognize that I'm an average size- size 8.5 feet, 5 feet 5 inches in height, and a weight that is right in the middle of the 'normal' range for BMI. I wear normal size clothes and spend many hours of my life wearing tight little yoga pants and while my thighs have always been bigger than I'd like, I think I look fine.
But I have a weight problem. And it is this: I have spent pretty much my whole life either thinking that I was completely overweight or actually being overweight. As a young kid, I was convinced I was fat. Strangely, I look back at pictures and see a kid who was kind of gangly and spent all of her time in the pool. I probably should have worried more about brushing my chlorine green hair every once in a while than anything else. As I grew older, I because less active and by the time I was about 16, was pretty heavy. I lost quite a bit of weight 5 years ago and have kept it off since. Practicing yoga helped me become more in tune with my body- recognizing when I'm full and when I'm hungry and also what foods feel nourishing and which just cause me to feel overly full and pretty gross (hellooo pizza!).
For a long time, I found pleasure through food. Eating was the highlight of my day. I loved pizza, candy and beer. I began to regard my heavier frame as a test for people to see if they could look past it and love me for who I am. If they couldn't then they were just shallow. I exercised rarely, often feeling overly anxious before hiking with friends, nervous I'd be the one lagging behind while panting and sweating. Sometimes I still assume I'm going to take up more room than I do. I see pictures of myself and am shocked at how different I look. In my mind I sometimes imagine I'm still that round woman, but I'm not. In my mind, I still regard food as a big treat, planning ahead for it and making justifications for why I can eat a lot. It is easy to slip back into those habits because I'm a pro at it. I know all the excuses- "these pants don't fit because I'm PMSing" or "My body is just like this" or "I'm just stressed out, I'll try harder next week" and then next thing you know, all your jeans are piled on an up high shelf and you're wearing your "fat pants" every day after work. Whoah, what happened?!
So in the past year or so I've gained a bit of weight. You would too if your partner cooked like the Q-dog does! I saw the scale creeping back up and my clothes became a bit tighter. For a while, I didn't think much of it. Then I'd try to lose, seeing a few pounds peel off and then I'd get back to the old eating habits of eating too much and too often or- even worse- putting off eating until I'm so hungry that I stuff my face with whatever is around. (hellooo chips and salsa)
So I decided to join Weight Watchers to lose those extra pounds before my wedding and also to help me feel a bit more comfortable when I'm teaching yoga. I was nervous going into WW because I didn't want people to think I'm some insane person with an eating disorder. I know I'm pretty "normal" but I need to get a hold of what is going on because I can easily slip back to my old ways, I could almost feel it happening. The people were really nice and helped me set a reasonable goal for myself of an 8 pound weight loss. Not a big deal, but to me it is the difference of feeling like I'm losing control to feeling really healthy and happy. I've now been on the program for almost one month and I've lost about 4 pounds. I'm wearing pants that have been shoved in the bottom of my drawer for months and I feel happy and healthy.
Through weight watchers, people track their eating. Members are allotted a certain amount of 'points' each day and each food has a designated point value, which includes calories, fat and fiber. Also, you get extra points for exercising AND each week you have 35 "flex" points so you can still go out and drink beers with your friends or eat ribs and cake or whatever, you just have to count it! SO it is very reasonable and easy to follow. What I've learned through tracking my eating with WW is that my eating habits really suck sometimes. I'll go days without eating ANY dairy products. One day I only consumed 8 points worth of food (I'm supposed to have 20) and yet I taught 2 yoga classes that day. The following day, I was RAVENOUS and tried to justify eating a whole pizza (Q held me back from that one, but I nearly did it!). Not good habits here!
So these were the things I was telling my group leader before the meeting on Tuesday. Another group member came in and our leader introduced the two of us. The leader stated "This is Megan and she was just saying yoga has really helped her to understand her body more". The other member looked me up and down, frowned and said "Well, you look pretty skinny to me". I shrugged it off and retreated into the meeting room, figuring that statement had a lot more to do with that lady's mental state than anything else! A woman working the desk followed me in the room and said "I don't think you look too thin, don't worry about what she says. It isn't just about losing weight, we all have reasons to be here". I thanked her for saying that.
This situation made me think of all the times I assume I have someone all figured out. That lady has NO IDEA that I used to chainsmoke, drink beer after beer and eat a pizza in one sitting. She has no clue that my self consciousness about my weight used to dominate my life and I just can't let it happen again, which is why I'm so careful about it. I want to feel happy and comfortable moving through life, not creeping through the corners, avoiding full length mirrors while tugging on my fat pants.
See, you just never know how it is for someone until you've walked around in their shoes, or in their old fat pants, if you will.
But let me explain. I recognize that I'm an average size- size 8.5 feet, 5 feet 5 inches in height, and a weight that is right in the middle of the 'normal' range for BMI. I wear normal size clothes and spend many hours of my life wearing tight little yoga pants and while my thighs have always been bigger than I'd like, I think I look fine.
But I have a weight problem. And it is this: I have spent pretty much my whole life either thinking that I was completely overweight or actually being overweight. As a young kid, I was convinced I was fat. Strangely, I look back at pictures and see a kid who was kind of gangly and spent all of her time in the pool. I probably should have worried more about brushing my chlorine green hair every once in a while than anything else. As I grew older, I because less active and by the time I was about 16, was pretty heavy. I lost quite a bit of weight 5 years ago and have kept it off since. Practicing yoga helped me become more in tune with my body- recognizing when I'm full and when I'm hungry and also what foods feel nourishing and which just cause me to feel overly full and pretty gross (hellooo pizza!).
For a long time, I found pleasure through food. Eating was the highlight of my day. I loved pizza, candy and beer. I began to regard my heavier frame as a test for people to see if they could look past it and love me for who I am. If they couldn't then they were just shallow. I exercised rarely, often feeling overly anxious before hiking with friends, nervous I'd be the one lagging behind while panting and sweating. Sometimes I still assume I'm going to take up more room than I do. I see pictures of myself and am shocked at how different I look. In my mind I sometimes imagine I'm still that round woman, but I'm not. In my mind, I still regard food as a big treat, planning ahead for it and making justifications for why I can eat a lot. It is easy to slip back into those habits because I'm a pro at it. I know all the excuses- "these pants don't fit because I'm PMSing" or "My body is just like this" or "I'm just stressed out, I'll try harder next week" and then next thing you know, all your jeans are piled on an up high shelf and you're wearing your "fat pants" every day after work. Whoah, what happened?!
So in the past year or so I've gained a bit of weight. You would too if your partner cooked like the Q-dog does! I saw the scale creeping back up and my clothes became a bit tighter. For a while, I didn't think much of it. Then I'd try to lose, seeing a few pounds peel off and then I'd get back to the old eating habits of eating too much and too often or- even worse- putting off eating until I'm so hungry that I stuff my face with whatever is around. (hellooo chips and salsa)
So I decided to join Weight Watchers to lose those extra pounds before my wedding and also to help me feel a bit more comfortable when I'm teaching yoga. I was nervous going into WW because I didn't want people to think I'm some insane person with an eating disorder. I know I'm pretty "normal" but I need to get a hold of what is going on because I can easily slip back to my old ways, I could almost feel it happening. The people were really nice and helped me set a reasonable goal for myself of an 8 pound weight loss. Not a big deal, but to me it is the difference of feeling like I'm losing control to feeling really healthy and happy. I've now been on the program for almost one month and I've lost about 4 pounds. I'm wearing pants that have been shoved in the bottom of my drawer for months and I feel happy and healthy.
Through weight watchers, people track their eating. Members are allotted a certain amount of 'points' each day and each food has a designated point value, which includes calories, fat and fiber. Also, you get extra points for exercising AND each week you have 35 "flex" points so you can still go out and drink beers with your friends or eat ribs and cake or whatever, you just have to count it! SO it is very reasonable and easy to follow. What I've learned through tracking my eating with WW is that my eating habits really suck sometimes. I'll go days without eating ANY dairy products. One day I only consumed 8 points worth of food (I'm supposed to have 20) and yet I taught 2 yoga classes that day. The following day, I was RAVENOUS and tried to justify eating a whole pizza (Q held me back from that one, but I nearly did it!). Not good habits here!
So these were the things I was telling my group leader before the meeting on Tuesday. Another group member came in and our leader introduced the two of us. The leader stated "This is Megan and she was just saying yoga has really helped her to understand her body more". The other member looked me up and down, frowned and said "Well, you look pretty skinny to me". I shrugged it off and retreated into the meeting room, figuring that statement had a lot more to do with that lady's mental state than anything else! A woman working the desk followed me in the room and said "I don't think you look too thin, don't worry about what she says. It isn't just about losing weight, we all have reasons to be here". I thanked her for saying that.
This situation made me think of all the times I assume I have someone all figured out. That lady has NO IDEA that I used to chainsmoke, drink beer after beer and eat a pizza in one sitting. She has no clue that my self consciousness about my weight used to dominate my life and I just can't let it happen again, which is why I'm so careful about it. I want to feel happy and comfortable moving through life, not creeping through the corners, avoiding full length mirrors while tugging on my fat pants.
See, you just never know how it is for someone until you've walked around in their shoes, or in their old fat pants, if you will.
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